Some thoughts

I wanted to make a random blog post about some things I have been thinking about and what others have made me think about.

I keep referring to a lack of confidence or knowing if what I am doing is correct. Until today I never really fully comprehended how deep the problem was. I thought it just applied to my trading and figured that was normal since I haven't had much success trading etc etc. However, I was driving today and it hit me. The light turned green and even though I knew 100% it was green and I could go, my immediate reaction was to see if the person in the other lane drove first to confirm that we could in fact go. I've probably taught myself to look for confirmation from others since I've failed so much before. Whether it was the startup I had and the people I dealt with (and currently dealing with....), or all of my trading mistakes, or anything else in general, I never really had a meaningful successful experience.

But I may just be too hard on myself. In the gym when lifting weights, for example, I have reached some intermediate goals I have set for myself. The happiness lasted for a bit, but eventually it became a sense of "well these are still beginner weights, when I add another plate to my deadlift then maybe I'll be happy". Is that fair to me when I have been putting in the work and research necessary to get better? Probably not but I have always been tough on myself. I always got good grades throughout my academic career, but I realize that it's all a fucking joke and too easy anyway and it's a huge waste of my time. So I don't consider it a big deal even though others do. Even when I was taking computer science classes as a business student. I was the best in the class by far and yet never thought much of it. I considered the class work to be easy and was more shocked that actual CS majors couldn't figure out the introductory stuff.

Going back to the idea of wanting confirmation, it is a weird thing for me. When I want to do something, I typically end up just doing it no matter what whether it be approaching some girl, or doing something adventurous for the first time etc. But when it comes to the specifics, that sense of "I'm not good enough by myself and need confirmation from someone else" comes up. It comes up in the gym where I wish I had someone to look at my form and critique it but I suppose that is a natural thing to want. I am always in doubt though, something can always be better. Perhaps that is a good mentality to have, I'm not sure at this point. A balance is needed, which is something I have learned applies to many things in life.

Anyway I rambled long enough and this is more than I thought I would write. As for fixing the problem? I have no clue. I suppose more experience is the cure. If that is true, I will be trading more and not chickening out like I always do. I will trade only 100 shares if I have to. If I want to be a daytrader, I have to fucking trade. I have to know for sure that this is what I want and that I can do it. No excuses anymore. If I like the trade, I take it, even with 100 shares on a $3 stock. I just need to trade at this point and get that experience so I can stop doubting myself.

As for doubting myself at the green light, well, that has probably bled over from my other failures in life like in business, trading, golf, etc. Like I said, I never had a meaningful victory in my life before though I have tried to achieve them.